I've been getting a few messages recently to blog more but everytime I get in the zone I end up doing something else and falling out of it. I write the blog in my head and than I just forget all about it until the next time comes up where I want to write. As the people who have read my blogs know I'm very very honest and open in what I write. Some say it might be to a negative point but really I don't see a reason not to be, this is me, this is my life, this is what I think, this is whats on my mind. I think so many people experience things in their life and never talk about it or express it in writing for themselves. Since moving over here to Australia I really haven't had anyone to talk to, I have my friends I skype with sometimes but it just doesn't feel the same to me, almost not real.
I should give an obligatory poker update since my last blog had to do my current poker mindset/strategy. I pretty much decided to do a 180 from what I wrote about before. I was chatting with a fellow mass multi tabler who has played some PLO but not a ton of volume and he was saying he wanted to start mass multi tabling for VPP. I tried explaining him how this wouldn't work out but if he was going to try it some things he could do that would be effective. Then I started looking at my recent results and saying to myself why don't I try all this shit I am talking myself. I realized that I needed to play less hands when I was only playing a few tables but just couldn't figure out how to do that effectively and in turn my variance was insane and I was making many mistakes. I decided to try mass tabling again with a different approach to the game pre and post flop and see what the effect would be. In turn my sessions become much less stressful, much lower variance, hands became easy to play and in turn started winning in bunches. All the terrible spots I found myself in before went away and was able to essentially revamp my pre/post play and still add in parts of my game that I felt like worked effective when I was playing like a maniac. I guess the problem now becomes that playing midstakes is pretty boring when you have like 500 buyins for the limit you play and no motivation to go with it. I really have no desire to play 5/10 ever again so using that as a goal or building block to work towards isn't really in the picture. Everything I would want to spend money on I already have, excluding some extravagent car purchase, which really doesn't interest me anymore. I think this is just a phase that can be explained by the next paragraph though.
I feel some long writing coming on here but might be good for me. I basically decided to write this after my last tweet which had to do with my mom telling me I should never do drugs because they are bad for your mind and body whereas I countered with what about doing them to the point where you are not abusing them. The overall idea behind it was finding a balance with it. I have heard many people say that it can ruin your mind, but to me my mind has been locked in some sort of black hole all my life and never thought past some sort of basic level. I think right now I'm also just having an adverse reaction to recent events that have transpired here while being in Sydney and my mind just has no idea how to react or what to do so constant thoughts like this come into my mind. Not sure I wrote much about this but I moved here to Sydney for someone I met in Ibiza this summer and did some traveling with throughout Europe after. At the time it was like magic being with her and really felt like I HAD to come here to see the possibilities of finding something special that I never have experienced before. Throughout my dating life I really have never liked anyone in this way, a majority of the time feelings would never stick around for a long time and subsequently I never really ended up dating anyone in a serious way. Then comes earlier this year, I'm doing amazing poker wise, finally going out for the first time in my life and at some point with a few poker friends of mine I decide that I should try something I never have before. Since this time I have looked at the idea of love in a totally different way. I don't think I have ever loved anyone previous to this year but now in my life I have found love that I never knew I could feel with some constants in my life in addition to falling in love with 3 people this year. 2 of these the first time we met both of us were on another level together which in turn feelings that I never imagined I could ever feel for anyone else were experienced. One of the problems with this is that you are tricked into thinking this type of feeling will always be there which is what happened in the case of my Sydney adventure I embarked on.
When I arrived here everything started off well, which is to be expected. As things progressed I became pretty unhappy with my poor poker results and having no good friends out here to talk to about anything eventually detoriating the relationship we had. I don't really want to get much into the relationship but while I was telling myself that I'm going to really give it my best try mentally and try to make things work here because really I didn't have any other options for anything else out here, she had already moved on and was staying with me to make me happy and lying to me about what she was doing, her feelings, other stuff. Only after being confronted with actual evidence of did she finally admit to some of the lying that had been going on for weeks now. In a way I was quite impressed with the ability to come off us such a genuine nice caring person while also being a pathological liar with the ability to lie about something for hours/days/weeks. I have lied to women in my dating life to a certain extent, most of the time being I would not say something like "yes im dating you and 2 other girls as well" but those relationships were never serious and I rarely would find myself saying things like I actually care about you alot or your the only one for me type of things but once I actually made the move here to Sydney I decide that I would try this way of living out. Being honest, one woman, really caring for the person and in turn when something like this happens I just feel crushed to a point I have never quite felt before. I'm sure alot of the reason is that i'm in fucking Australia and barely know anyone else but at the same time I realllllly cared for this pos so its like on one hand i wish death and on the other hand it makes sense to me. Those first times we had together in our zone tricked us into thinking that more was possible when in reality it wasn't there. lol no idea where I was going with any of this but I think it was just explaing how I got to the point where I decided to make my last tweet I made. Writing this stuff out I think is good for me and will help me overcome these crazy thoughts running through my mind.
So now here I am still in Sydney, I have a sick place for 2 more months, a 5k bed that I never want to leave, whole bunch of other stuff I bought because I thought I would be here for a long time and really haven't achieved much of anything. So I decided that I would get out there in the world and see what Sydney has. Have been doing a bit more raging lately and you guys can probably guess that in turn I start feeling a little out of this world more often and my mind starts thinking ideas that have never come up for myself before. I am hoping once I move past this recent breakup that I will be able to learn from it and look at things differently but until then I really have no fucking idea what to do or think or feel. Poker not sure where to go, life not sure where to go, so many options, so many ideas, never want to make the wrong decision and live with regret.
I like this title because I was sitting here the past few weeks and I couldn't remember when I actually won playing PLO. I would start my session by getting on a bunch of tables running, play most anyone heads up to start games and look at results at end of sessions and kept seeing losing. Would wonder what is going on, what happened. This kept up for about a month and here I am frantically checking my bank accounts, watching the countdown to busto happen, questioning life, question my existance in life, looking up work visa information for Australia, seeing how much I could make per month if I started personal training, looking into being male internet cam model, debating doing copious amounts of drugs. Eventually I decided I needed a break and took a few days off. I found myself on my computer a few days later and decided I would play super small stakes just to play, was maybe 8 tabling and lost 3 buy-ins but didn't feel tilt or too bad.
After this session I started actually thinking to myself, how did I crush for 5 months straight to start the year? How did I come back online and have a 210k month and then just can't win day in and out? The answer is obvious in theory, many have even told me since. PLAY LESS FUCKING TABLES to start but as anyone who mass multi tables now, there is just some mind fuck that happens where you think you need to be playing as many tables as possible. You need MORE fish, MORE money to make, MORE MORE MORE. Instead of focusing on the tables open, you are actively seeking out MORE bad players to play vs. Finally when thinking more about it I finally convinced myself to just calm the fuck down. You don't always need more. Its like dating women, you have sex with one and now you want more sex with more women and fall into a cycle where your always on the hunt and never actually focusing on what you have at the current time but looking forward to who is next. Pretty off topic but I could relate the idea of that to poker. I wrote down how I thought I was winning so much to start the year and wrote down why I thought I was losing so much now. Nothing from either list matched up . I realized playing in great games and being amazing at exploiting fish's weaknesses doesn't translate to mass tabling vs regs and playing good players heads up. Add in massive tilting during this and as shown its a recipe for disaster. When you tilt in position again someone with a terrible winrate, it never really ends up being THAT bad. You can make a questionable all in pre and often they end up with an even worse questionable all in pre against you. When playing vs regs though, there questionable range ends up being double suited AKxx and QQxx and any KKxx. When you get it on the flop vs fish with a bad flush draw and bottom pair, they show up with an over pair/no redraw or Top/Bottom pair and you end up usually having good equity when in reality you made a terrible play. Against regs when you make these same tilting plays though your always crushed. I mean in theory this is obvious but I have never really heard or read it ever put like that before.
I guess the basic idea I am saying is that I need to go completely away from what is not working and go back to what was working. I started writing down all my old strategies I used to game select and coming up with better ranges to play against certain types of weaker players in different situations. On the surface the idea is play less tables, bumhunt weaker players, win money. I think alot approach it like that and win but I probably went into it 10 times deeper during my peak of really thinking about it. As I started to win more money though I became lazy and went away from improving my ideas and strategies and went back to an abc approach at it. These last few days I have dove back into thinking about everything from all angles. Basically it is play 1-4 tables, depending on those tables and amount of action going on (ie: double jesus with alot of betting/hands getting to showdown instead of jesus seat with 4 other tigheter regs with not much postflop to follow) can add 2 more tables. Once that 4-6 cap is hit completely focusing on games being played instead of checking the lobby every couple seconds for new games or wait lists or anything of that nature. This is fine do to while I have been playing 1/2 up to 3/6 but I do realize once I start moving back up stakes that I will have to keep lobby open and pay some attention. With less tables to follow though that shouldn't be an issue. Actually taking notes and paying attention to what is happening during hands and when they get to showdown (ie: fish makes pot bet on river, note his hand and watch for similar spot in future to either solidify that note or exploit that) When I'm mass tabling I probably look over less then 5 hands in a weeks time, that idea to me thinking about it now is fucking insanely terribad. Everytime my note taking or paying attention to what is happening pays off I get very excited lol.
When I started writing this I was in a writing zone, then I went on my patio somewhere during the last paragraph and kinda lost it, I was just sitting here on my computer after finished last session and was like fuck man I am such an idiot for going back to my old terrible habits of mass tabling/spewing away thousands. I need to write this down now and not forget it again. I probably have so much more on my mind about all this and hopefully write more about it soon
I'm going to continue to stick to mid stakes for now and at some point add in 5/10 and maybe 10/20 again. I'm still rolled to play up to 50/100 (definition of rolled meaning I could lose a few BI there and drop down to rebuild comfortably) but that desire to lose massive pots isn't there for me right now. After regaining my confidence and winning this might change but until then there is still heaps of money to be made at mid stakes.
Here is my graph since going back to old process. As you can see I didn't full commit at first and after I won a bit decided I could 12+ table again and win and was hit with a your a fucking clown, don't do that again pretty quick. But so far so good
I've been starting to enjoy myself more living here in Sydney. Have a few music fests coming up here and went with my girlriend to Stereosonic last weekend. Had a great time there and really enjoyed seeing Tiesto. Thinking back on it though, I would have enjoyed anyone tremendously at that point in time of the night but it was fun. Had a chance to wear my spirit hood out for the first time in Australia
I was thinking about things today as I am a big believer in weird things like this. Ever since my girlfriend bought me this little koala my losing at poker, running bad in life, running bad in poker, playing terrible has started. I looked over next to my computer today and realized this fucking bear was bought 2 days before I arrived here around the same time I had a -130k session. IT MUST BE THE BEARS FAULT!! Here I am trying to stop this evil being
Hopefully it works
This is one of the graphs I have since I have been around this demon!